| Wow! I have friends. Okay, I will answer the outcry for details. By the way, hopefully this year, you will see more from me here. Yes, I am an MA again. For those of you who don't know what this means, it doesn't matter. I work for the HA and my title is college liaison. Here's the part I like the most: I work for Kelly Hasz. :) Basically, whatever she is working on, I am working on. So, that is exciting. I am beginning to know my housemates, and I love them already. (Of course, they could not replace past housemates, whom I miss dearly - yah Quad 2!) I don't like that my house is 1 1/2 miles from campus, but I've got two legs, and I can put them to use when no ride presents itself. I just finished reading those subscription emails xanga sends if you want, and I had a lot since I haven't been able to read them for a couple of weeks. To all who know that I read your xanga (if you read mine, it is likely that I read yours), I have certain restrictions from the HA that will not allow me to respond much. Know that I hear you and I love you and I pray for you. As I was reading, I thought it might be good to give a description of what God has done in my life over this last year, as well as what He seems to be doing now. When I went home last year, things were tough. I mean, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of me. I felt very lost (mainly because I couldn't figure out where my life was going). There were many nights that I lay in my bed and wept (not cried), wept bitterly. But I kept going, and I did my best to serve God and live my life for His kingdom. Slowly, as the days and nights passed, I found myself in less and less pain. During that year, God used my discomfort, the shaking of my life and all that I knew, to open my eyes. He showed me the deep places of my heart, the places where I had hidden. He challenged me to change, to come out of hiding in my fear and complacency. He changed my mind and focused my vision. When the year had ended and my life was to change again, I found myself surprisingly attached to what at first felt so foreign. I cried again. I was scared agian. It all started again. All the way down on the train, all throughout gauntlet (has it ended?) and into my ministry placement (I'm mostly on my own), I felt again that same pain, that sureal feeling, that lost confusion, but I am learning something, something that I have been learning for years. I don't belong here. Right now, I find suffering (though it is slight compared to that of many others). Right now, there are times of darkness. Just when I think I have found my place, He reminds me that He is my place. There is nothing here for me, besides Him and His love for people. I will never be done. I will never be comfortable. I will never be satisfied completely until I see Him face to face. I am reminded again of a favorite Psalm (thanks to those who quoted it recently though you might not read this) 21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered, 22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you. 23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. 27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds. Ps. 73 Understand, it is in the darkness that God makes changes. It is under the surface, in the difficult times of the heart, that He lays His foundations. It is when we are in the most need, that our hearts are constantly turned to Him again, if we allow it. Once when I was sick with rheumatic fever (sp?), I came close to death. It was in one of the most difficult times of my life (for other reasons too), and I was lost before God. My mother said something to me though, that I have not forgotten. She said that she knew that God was laying a deep foundation. A large building needs a strong foundation. Is this to my glory? No! It is because I am slow to learn, filled with faults and fears, and bound in many ways, that He has had to dig and work and pain me in order to prepare me to serve Him better. Therefore, when I cry in the night, when I feel utterly alone, when my life seems as good as wasted, I reach out my hand and I trust Him. I do whatever I can to be faithful to Him. I walk like Joseph, who knew God had a plan but could not see how it connected to his current suffering. I live like Daniel, who was sent into an ungodly and hostile land in order to accomplish His work in the world. I follow like Corrie ten Boom, who offered her life to His glory and trusted Him through some of the darkest times this world has ever known. I know that this is not the end. I know that it is not about me. I know that my whole purpose is wrapped up in knowing and loving and glorifying Him. There is nothing else. Finally, I challenge you to read 2 Corinthians 5. This passage has meant a great deal to me over the last year. Know that if you follow Him, He has given you a better future. He has called you to speak for Him, to represent Him. He has died for you..."For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." Amen |
